Mamma, ek is stukkend

10 May 2020 | Opinion

Swakopmund • Iréne-Mari van der Walt

In hierdie tyd van corona sou ek en my ma ons morsdood gelag het oor gesigmaskers en ‘n plaaslike politikus se mening oor joernaliste se PPE. Ongelukkig is ek in die tyd van corona ’n dogter sonder ‘n ma.

Ek het my ma in 2018 aan beenkanker verloor. Ek het daardie dag geweet my lewe het onherroeplik verander. Ek sal nooit weer saam met my ma op die sitkamerbanke geplak lê en my maagspiere seer lag vir iets wat nie werklik die krampe werd is nie.
So, op die tweede Moedersdag sonder my ma, lag ek maar stil-stil in my binneste oor hoe mense se oë skrefies trek wanneer hulle hul maskers verkeerd aan het.

Ek was toe in matriek en kon al amper aan my eindeksamen raak toe ek my ma moes begrawe. Die skoolhoof het vir ’n vriendin op ’n nie-so-taktvolle manier gesê dat ek nie matriek sou maak nie, maar – met trane in my oë – het ek my Afrikaanse antwoordstel ingedien en my rug op die skool gedraai. Ek sou nooit weer die meisie wees wat vyf jaar tevore haar eerste hoërskool oomblikke daar deurgebring het nie.

Daardie meisie lê iewers in my ma se graf.

Dalk is dit beter dat daardie weergawe van my daarmee heen is. Sy het wel turkoois “skinny jeans” gedra.
Miskien was my ma se dood nie alles hartseer nie. Ronelle Rademeyer het in haar Sê Maar Net-kolom in die Republikein van 5 Mei geskryf hoe verbasend sterk ’n vegtersinstink kan wees. As die vegter in jou eers inskop, moet die Man daar bo eerder bontstaan om jou vyande op te pas, want hier kom ’n oorlog wat jy nooit geweet het jy kon voer nie.

Die probleem is, vegtersinstink maak seer. Om elke oomblik van jou lewe teen jou eie omstandighede te veg is soos “rope burn” op jou hart. Jou trane is genoeg om die droogte te breek, jou emosies skree in leë vertrekke in en die wêreld buite jou eie kop behandel jou soos ’n kreupele – miskien omdat jy is? Wie kan sê of jou stukkende hart anders is as ’n stukkende liggaam? Alle soorte stukkend is dieselfde; dit is alles maar net gebroke.

Hierdie is die kant van vegters wat die samelewing weier om raak te sien. Ons vegters word op trone geplaas en dit voel soms asof die titel as ’n vegter jou menslike kwesbaarheid wegneem.

Agter toe deure word baie trane gestort en jy ween tot jou lyf seer is. Net om met die nuwe dag op te staan van waarookal die seer jou teen die grond neergedruk het, en aan te gaan asof die gewig van jou eie bestaan jou nie versmoor nie.

Die probleem met ’n vegter wees is dat jy nie net teen jou omstandighede veg nie, maar ook met jouself. Jy veg om trane terug te hou; jy veg vir mense wat jou verafgod om jou pyn raak te sien; jy veg met die Man daar bo oor dinge wat jy nie kan beheer nie. Soms veg jy net omdat jy nie van beter weet nie.

Amper twee jaar ná my ma se dood sit ek steeds op ’n troon wat ek nie wou hê nie, met ’n vloek in my kop wat lank gelede al die oorlog gewen het. Maar ek leer nou eers, stadig maar seker, hoe om die son weer op my gesig te voel.

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